spend my whole life good will hunting.

there are so many horrible voices in the world. take this one time, for example. this old woman asked me what i studied in college. i told her creative writing. she scoffed. "haven't you ever heard of making a living?" she asked. and then there was this other time. this woman cheryl, who is my uncle's sister, asked me if i was still in school. i told her i had already graduated two years ago. she asked me what did i get my degree in. after i answered, she said, "you should've done medicine or engineering instead." and then just a few months ago, i told a good friend i planned on quitting my job to just travel. he said, "listen to yourself," and then convinced me it was a bad idea.

these people don't even know who i am, or what i'm about, yet they think they know what's best, what i should've done. can you imagine? i want to call them stupid, but i'm the stupid one for listening. surely, you've had people in your life discourage you from doing what you want. and you probably listened, too. because you want your life to make sense. you want what has been planned out for you, even though you know it's unsustainable and, in the long run, won't even make you happy. yet you do it because it's what's expected of you.

i'm ready to walk away from it. let me tell you how the trap is set, now that i've been in it for some time. when you're a grown up, or almost one like i am, you'll want your own place. because that's what grown ups do. roommates are for broke college busters and co-ops are for dirty delusional hippies. we live alone because it's more convenient, and if we're lucky, we can bring someone back to our sweet bachelor pad. but the truth is that it's hard to meet people. especially if you live in a city like seattle, and not even seattle, but the south part of seattle where people your age don't even seem to exist. so, instead of the nonstop parties you expected, instead of bringing back random floosies to your apartment, you're more likely to just feel alone. you'll be lucky if you can have a friend come over once a week to watch jersey shore.

once college ends, everyone is too busy for you. they pencil you in for coffee dates. and if you don't drink coffee, then expect to just sit at home and feel bad about yourself. there's also happy hour. you have to drink. during college, but especially after college, people don't know how to talk to one another if beers and sangria aren't involved. you can't talk about anything important, either. it's gotta be all lighthearted banter about getting laid or not getting laid and who is so-and-so and what is so-and-so doing these days and that's a nice looking jacket, where'd you get it?

and you blow money on these drinks, but it doesn't matter because you're finally working! you finally have money to spend on the one thing that's guaranteed to bring single adults together: alcohol. you'll blow money on other things, too: new shoes, clothes, gadgets, furniture to help your apartment (and thus your life) not look so painfully empty, high speed internet, cell phone bill (no one's calling your ass), groceries, movies, more happy hours. when you're alone and have nothing to do, you can always go out and shop some more!

the other day, while walking to my job, i took a physical assessment of how much i was worth. penguin polo, $30 (nordstrom rack); pants, $69 (j. crew); running shoes (nike), $99; duffel bag (onitsuka tiger), $45; iphone, $299; at&t 3g service plan ($80+ per month). how did i let things get so out of control? i couldn't even imagine what would've happened if i had actually made real money. i was walking around, $1,000 human being. and sure, a lot of people will say, big fucking deal, i've got the iphone 4, and my shoes cost more than your entire savings account. but how do these people live with themselves. how do i do it? honestly. my god.

i don't want to make a living anymore. i want to make a life.


Aby said...

Excellent post, A very well written article (if I may call it). I've been following your blog for some time and have loved whatever you wrote in past but with this one you outshined yourself. You've come miles ahead with this post.

Loved your thought provoking post.


Daily Logue said...

"I dont want to make a living anymore. I want to make a life" - couldnt have said it better myself.

What will you do if you don't join the peace corps? Its so hard to navigate the murky, shark infested waters between making a living - paying the bills, eating, recreating - and doing what you want to do, and maybe falling into debt, being destitute and not being able to do what you want to do. There aren't good paying jobs out there for all the things a person wants to do, not has to do.

I'm currently in an inner debate about it with this job offer I'm working on.
But on the other hand, I firmly believe that if you take that first step out of the box, into the unknown. That one bold step that disconnects you from the life you had a moment before - that the universe will somehow provide. Exactly what you need, when you need it. Its out there somehwere. If you know what it is and have the joy to look for it.
Thats more for me than for you. but , just saying.