this here, this is it.

been jogging and walking home recently. you know, been reading all these articles telling me how bad it is to be sitting all day long. brings on heart disease and cancers and all that. sitting all day, it's no good. and then i come home and watch a lot of tv. so you know, thought it would be good to start running home. running is what i call it, when i've got my shorts and t-shirt on, and my coworkers ask me what i'm about to do, but really, it's just jogging enough to get my heart rate up, my head and arms a little sweaty, and then when i don't think i can handle it no more, i slow down to a walk.

anyway, i was walking down martin luther king, jr. and of course, it got me thinking about poverty and social justice and all that again. let me back up. see, earlier in the day, on the internet i saw this picture of a little girl from afghanistan who patched up potholes in roads, and she depended on tips from travelers and soldiers to survive. so then i was walking down mlk jr. and i got to thinking about what we're all trying to do. are we trying to get people off the streets and into low-income housing? if a family lives in a crappy apartment off mlk jr., are we trying to raise their standard of living? how nice does one's digs have to be before we can settle on a definition of social justice, of having it made? if that little girl from afghanistan gets a low-income house on mlk jr., have we arrived?

this little boy on mlk jr., he was just sitting on his porch with what looked like his sister, and they were just chilling there. they might've been having a snack or something, i didn't get that good a look. anyway, this boy just waves at me. i wave back at him. see, the thing is i've been watching friday night lights and now i think that there are all these poor kids who don't have a real father figure, and how i probably should go back to teaching because i think i might be able to be a father figure, or some type of leader or something. i think that i have it in me, that i have what it takes. and so everyday i spend at my desk doing nothing, i'm just not using what i've been given, and it's not a good thing at all and it's probably killing me. literally. heart disease, remember?

on the phone with this nun once, she told me that we are all capable of so much more than we think. and i've been doubting myself for too long, listening to people who think they know what's best for me. of all the things i hear, i hear two contradictory things loud and clear: think about your future and i want you to be happy. they think they know what's best for me, so i've shut them all out. i just didn't want to hear it anymore, you know? also, these last two years are just a test. i've spent the last two years in seattle learning how to be alone. and now i know, it's not so bad. i have my good days and bad days just like anyone else, but at least now i know that i'm capable of so much more than i think.

and my cousin, he was right. he said that trying to get into another relationship was just like buying a new hdtv or getting an iphone. it wasn't going to solve anything. likewise, going back to school, joining the peace corps, going abroad to teach esl, getting an mba or law degree, that's not going to solve anything. it's just like that episode of the wire when cutty gets his job mowing lawns, and he gets that big speech from his boss who tells him something along of the lines of, "there ain't no big reward. this here, this is it." so i guess that's all i'm trying to say, that whether i knew it before or not, it's all i've been doing spending all this time by myself. learning how to be in the present, learning that this here, this is it.

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