they'll only miss you when you leave.

she said that when i go into my interview, don't make it sound like i am trying to escape something. well, that kind of stung because of course i am trying to escape something. let me tell you about the things i am trying to escape.

there's my couch. the stitching has come undone in several places. it seemed like a good enough couch even though i felt coerced into buying it. see, my friends, they said, well, you have an apartment now, dum-dum, why don't you furnish it? and on top of their lists was a couch. they said, if you get a couch, then you can have friends over! and then those friends moved away. and the only person who sits on the $380 couch that i purchased brand new, and which has more or less fallen apart in just a year and a half, is me.

there's my television. i wasted most of spring and part of summer watching a stupid television show called lost. the show was okay and it had its moments, but when the island moved, and then when there was time travel...well, i just don't know how some people can say that it's one of the best shows ever. that's just silly talk. and anyway, watching the show by myself just reminded me that i don't know what i'm doing on this earth, but it doesn't really matter that much because i'm just going to die. six feet under had the same effect, but it was a much better show.

there's my iphone. technically, i'm still under contract for a full year and four months. sometimes, i feel like i am just working to pay for rent, groceries, and my iphone bill. and when i think of things that way, i think that the system is very stupid. essentially, i am working to give my landlord, pcc groceries, and steve jobs my money. and as a reward, i can have a few beers here and there, watch a movie, buy something i don't have to make payments on, like a t-shirt or backpack. i don't even like talking on the phone. i don't know why i have one.

there's the internet. sure, the internet is great for blogging and looking at boobs. but i'm trying to escape it, too. social networking sites just remind me that my life is boring. why do i have 370 friends on facebook? i don't even know these people. but i still read their status updates - everyone from some random elementary school classmate to some chick i talked to once in manila - and i don't know why i read them. not since sixth grade history have i read so much about something i have so little interest in.

there's the solitude. a friend of my dad's who also lives in seattle told my dad that one needs an upbeat personality to make it in this city. let's face it. upbeat personality? just look at the title of my blog. but the dude is right. living alone anywhere can be depressing, but especially in seattle. add to the fact that it's actually a fifteen, twenty minute ride south of seattle, and it's even more isolated. in the last three days i haven't spoken to a single person.

there's the job. granted, i've hated every job i've ever had, and i've looked forward to every last day with the exception of the writing center. but here's where it gets tricky. the job i have now is certainly not the worst. i could take off a whole month if i wanted to, and i've done it. there's always food lying around at the office, and it's always mine for the taking. i have a retirement account, and the school just keeps throwing money in it every month for no reason! and even though i don't know how to talk to any of them, there are hot girls all over campus all the time. the people i work with don't annoy me, and they don't expect much from me, either. all in all, it is the least stressful thing i've ever done. i also have full health and dental coverage, and i'm confident that they would never lay me off. ever.

but still, there's the job. there's looking at the computer all day long, browsing the same boring sites. there's my job title, program assistant, that screams unskilled entry-level no chance for moving upward ever. there are long-winded meetings about mission statements and communications and strategic planning. there's answering emails and submitting reimbursement forms. there's sitting in an office chair all day long, wondering about ergonomics and heart disease. there's awkward monthly birthday parties and being reminded that i'm one of the few men on staff, one of the few asians. and always there's wondering, can't i do better than this? wasn't i destined for something greater than this?

and though it's scary, i can't tell you how satisfying it is to say, fuck it. even if things don't work out, if things somehow get worse than they already are, at the very least, you'll no longer be in a state of wondering.

1 comment:

Aby said...

Sorry but a suggestion from me... couldn't help but givin it after reading today's post. Go Travellin!!!

I'm sure it's gonna boost your morale and would give you a lot to feel good about.

And yeh one more thing..stop writing for some time it would help you too coz writing is like talking to yourself when you've nothing better to do. I's sorry I'm saying this but it helps...