fall back in love eventually.


back in sacramento. it's different this time. i don't know what it is. most likely, it was that weekend in seattle, a long weekend with no plans. three whole days where i wouldn't talk to a single person. my coworkers must've wondered why i wouldn't ever shut up on a monday. but yeah, there it was, friday off, and surprise, surprise, it's fucking cloudy and dreary out. maybe the sun breaks through for ten, fifteen minutes, but it isn't enough. it isn't damn near enough at all. and i shoot out texts. what are you upto tonight? everyone is busy. so it's just me, and the tv tonight. and the next two nights. and guess what? i'm too cheap for cable.

come saturday afternoon in seattle, i have to get out. i can't just nap and read books and think about which direction my life is heading, even though the clear answer is nowhere. i have some money, so what the hell. go shopping. i take the bus, i take the light rail. i go to nordstrom rack, i go to nike, i go to j. crew. i hit up the mall in southcenter, banana republic, hell, i even go to zumiez. and that's when i know i've hit rock bottom. i'm 27 years old and i'm trying on clothes at zumiez. i've done something wrong. somewhere in my mid to late twenties, i've missed my stop.

i go back to my apartment, and there isn't sadness, or ennui, or frustration. there's just nothing. like being stoned and realizing half the movie is over. auto-pilot, checked out, going through the motions, etc. there are many ways of putting it. i call my mom, and i know she's going to say exactly what i want to hear. you can just quit. which means no more money, no more job, no more structure. everything i thought i needed to make me feel better about being alive. even though i already knew it wasn't the answer. a whole generation of us who've seen films like fight club and american beauty, got the message, but never lived it out.

back in sacramento where there's nothing to do, no jobs available, no cool lefty liberal kids to mirror and thus validate my apathetic political views. at least it's sunny here. and my cousin lives nearby, so i can watch her kids grow up. and i tell myself, enjoy waking up at noon - you won't always get to do this. no need to be so hard on myself this time around, we're in a recession, don't-cha-know? and anyway, that peace corps letter should be coming in the mail anyday now. and if that doesn't work out, well, somebody hired you and gave you a job that you could probably do for the rest of your life if you had no other goals or ambition. therefore, somebody is bound to give you another chance at some point, somewhere.

so i go for a run, discover a part of the neighborhood i haven't seen despite my years of being here. i'll take the light rail if i wanna. i'll go to my cousin's house and play modern warfare for hours on end. i hang out with joseph, who doesn't give a shit that he still lives with his parents and works as a custodian. at least he has kung-fu, billiards, and his swords and daggers collection. maybe it just has something to do with getting older and not really aging, but for the most part, the post-college pressure is gone, and the floundering in life isn't such a dramatic issue. it doesn't nearly weigh as heavily on me as it once did.

don't get me wrong, hard times are far from over. but there isn't the same sense of urgency anymore. it's all just kind of funny to me now.

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